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Durian for Worst Use of Major Talent:
The Promise
Throw Chen Kaige – one of China’s greatest living directors – acclaimed cinematographer Peter Pau, scene-stealing heart-throb Nicholas Tse, Korean superstar Jang Dong-gun, versatile Japanese actor Sanada Hiroyuki, and award winner Liu Ye into a production mix and you’re bound to get the best film of the year, right? Gong! The Promise was the year’s single biggest disaster, for which many people should have lost their jobs. It’s convoluted, gut-bustingly funny when it shouldn’t be, and features one of the most preposterous running of the bulls moments ever set to celluloid. Note to the producers: CGI can’t save a bad film and usually makes it worse. It’s The Touch all over again. It’s the return of House of Flying Daggers! Deliver me! |
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Don’t Even Bother With the Pirate VCD Award:
Bug Me Not!
Remember the family of bugs that lived in Ernie’s flowerbox on Sesame Street? The Twiddlebugs? Well, if you can find a VHS copy of that somewhere, you’d get more viewing enjoyment from it than from EEG’s latest star-making vehicle, Bug Me Not!, easily 2005’s most cynical, depressing excuse for a movie. Isabella Leong is the idol-to-be in this directionless, saccharine teen romance/plea for tolerance/respect for nature diatribe/proof of the existence of Satan. And even more scary, it features both the Boy’z and the Twins. Leong’s neither irritating nor charming enough to inspire strong hate or hope. She’s just there. Utterly insufferable. |
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2004 Twin Durian:
Karena Lam Ka-Ya
After an impressive debut in 2001 with July Rhapsody, Karena Lam went on to do some decent work in Truth or Dare: 6th Floor Rear Flat. But then came the questionable Koma and It Had To Be You and we started to wonder. What happened? Finally, Ms Lam decided to underwhelm viewers with a duo of mind-boggling performances in 2005 – Home Sweet Home and Ah Sou. Her imitation of an elevator-shaft-dwelling basket case consisted of a lot of growling and staring off into space, and we don’t want to mention her scenery chewing in the massively disappointing Ah Sou. She’s not the worst actress in Hong Kong simply because Charlene Choi is still working. Someone get this woman a new agent – or a Lee Strasberg textbook. |
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Durian for Abuse of the Korean Wave:
Seoul Raider
This obsession with all things Dae Han Min Guk has got to stop. Kim Hee-Sun (The Myth), Kim So-Yeon (Seven Swords), Jang Dong-gun (The Promise), and Ji Jin-Hee (Perhaps Love) forced entry into films to irritate us late last year, and little relief is likely in 2006 and beyond. But when Media Asia simulated the Tokyo Raiders in Seoul Raiders, well, that had to be the turning point. The Korean Wave had finally reached critical mass: not only were we subjected to, for all intents and purposes, identical actresses/house plants (Choi Yeo-Jin, Cho Han-Na, Cho Soo-Hyn, and no, I don’t know which one played who) inserted into a lame story, we were also damned to almost 90 minutes of one of the world’s ugliest cities as the main set. What were they thinking? Ai go chum na!
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Being Daniel Wu Durian:
Marco Lok Lik-Wai
If both Wu and back-up Samuel Pang are booked, fortunately an understudy lurks. Hallelujah! Marco Lok has been floating around for a while (Funeral March, Fantasia, Sex and the Beauties), but 2005 was his breakthrough year. Set to Kill, The Unusual Youth, and Set Up proved Lok is prepared to be as prolific as Wu, and he even sports a similar curvature of the shnozz. He’s got that same innocent smile and the unthreatening youthful glow that plays well to young girls. Wu’s getting long in the tooth – he’s got to be at least 30! – and Lok may just be the man-child to step into his shoes. Let’s see if he gets up the gumption to don a Purple Storm cut. |
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Being Daniel Wu Durian Part II:
Carl Ng Ka-Lun
The usual winners of the Being Daniel Wu award bear a similar enough resemblance to the omnipresent Wu that if The Man should be unavailable for your film, you can contact them. Part II is a special nod for those looking beyond the surface to a more, shall we say, stylistic similarity. In such a case, Carl Ng’s your man. Why? Simple. Only Ng so far has demonstrated the Wu-ish ability of not letting acting get in the way of his posing and looking pretty. Ng actually goes one better and refrains from speaking as much as possible. Check out his, uh, work in Heat Team, Colour Blossoms, Butterfly and Set to Kill (starring heir to the Wu throne, Marco Lok). Can you recall the man’s dialogue? And a coincidence in the name? Ha! Not a chance.
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Durian for Most Incredulous Athletic Workout:
Dragon Squad
One of the greatest moments in HK cinema last year came when Sammo Hung’s cop, Lung, goes for a jog only to find his posse of Young Turk feds (or something) out on the track with him to show their solidarity in Dragon Squad. Not only do the whelps not bother to change into jogging gear – that’s how tough they are – Sammo is running laps with a fat stogie sticking out of his mouth: that’s how tough HE is. In a film with a lot of ridiculousness and a man called Vanness, this B-movie classic moment had to take the cake. |
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Disturbing Cinematic Trend Durian:
Golden Horses Go Cheap
What on earth is going on in Taipei? Once considered the regional award bestower of record – it did carry a lot of prestige – the Golden Horse Awards jury has clearly gone bonkers. One blip on the radar, one momentary lapse of reason, may be forgiven. But two in a row? First the Horse judges bestowed the gold on Daniel Wu for New Police Story, then they went one better. Last year’s best actor winner was Aaron Kwok for Divergence. Hey, we like Aaron as much as anyone – especially without a shirt on (did you see those sarong-wearing gym ads?). But the emoting in Divergence would have shamed anyone on daytime television – particularly the car-rolling-downhill-out-of-control sequence. What next? Stephen Fung’s day must come. |
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Sybil Durian:
Shu Qi
Sybil Isabel Dorsett became a household name in the 1970s when her struggle with multiple personality disorder made the big screen in Sybil. She had 16 personalities, but Shu Qi only has to deal with two, possibly three. One’s a good, occasionally perfect actress who’s affecting and empathetic. Another is just silly, obnoxious, and whom watching is a waste of eye movement. Lastly there’s the complete dud that can’t act, and when she tries – usually in a fit of… ummm… well, she’s having some kind of fit – deserves to be laughed off the screen, if not pelted with rotten durians. Shu managed to pull off all three last year: Three Times, Seoul Raiders and Home Sweet Home respectively. How and when each personality decides to assert itself remains a mystery. |
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Nicholas Tse Honorary Bad Boy Durian:
Tony Leung Ka-Fai
Without Tse dating grannies and bribing cops, Tony ‘The Tiger’ Leung has stepped up to the bad-ass plate. After decking a bus driver a couple of years ago in a drunk driving incident, Leung was arrested for a second DUI in October 2005, which resulted in a three-year suspended sentence and loss of his driver’s privileges in January 2006. Tsk, tsk Tony… |
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Lifetime Achievement Durian:
Wong Jing
It has to be said. Those elitists at the Hong Kong Film Awards Association and the Hong Kong Film Critics Association won’t do it, so we will. This is, after all, a celebration of the worst. Wong Jing has done more to contribute to schlocky, middling, low-brow cinema in this city than any other single figure, and he should be recognised for it. The Roger Corman of the SAR is unabashedly exploitative, gleefully sleazy, and always willing to plagiarise himself. Who else could make, like, 481 gambling movies with a straight face and call each one new? Sure, he’s managed to crank out a few genuinely good films – but so has Corman. And if he read Roger’s bible/manual, How I Made a Hundred Movies in Hollywood and Never Lost a Dime, Jing’s probably loaded, too. Sheer genius. Keep it up Jing-go. |
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Wig of the Year Durian:
Eric Tsang in Colour of the Loyalty
We love nothing better than mysterious and/or creepy hairpieces on the screen – for the head or otherwise. Eric Tsang’s bushy eyebrows in Colour of the Loyalty were only a couple of steps removed from gracing one of those dudes on the kind of 746-part historical martial epic TVB is so fond of – the dudes with the floor-length beards (in grey, please), matching fingernails and the brows of death. Sadly Tsang didn’t really act with the dire overhangs, but we can’t quite figure out what they were doing there to begin with: usually, added hair is movie shorthand for the passage of time, but he had them in the flashback too! Nor were they angled enough to signal... Pure Evil! |
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The How the Hell Did I Get Here? Durian:
Julian Cheung Chi-Lam
It’s a crowded year in this category. Few things are sadder than a reasonably bright star falling on dark times – okay, perhaps massive famine, genocide and terrorism. But in showbiz terms, a fallen star appearing every so often to remind us s/he used to be fun is equally tragic. And then there’s complete disappearance. The film career of Raymond Wong look-a-like Julian Cheung seemed to be nicely stable in the late-’90s, then came Possessed in 2002 and the radar went dead. Where is he? Is anyone worried? He hasn’t even been exiled to television. Cheung’s vanishing act is followed closely by Francis Ng and Nick Cheung’s – whose most recent work last year was in those pro-WTO commercials on why Hong Kong grocers carry cheap oranges. Yesterday co-starring with Andy Lau, today Sunkist, tomorrow… the meat section! |
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