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The American film industry for stealing our ideas without even knowing where Hong Kong is.
The Departed – the American remake of Infernal Affairs – has been good to Martin Scorsese. Not only did it gain the legendary director the Best Director prize at the Academy Awards, it also nabbed the Best Picture Oscar and was the biggest money-maker of Scorsese’s long and illustrious career. But most American audiences probably have no idea The Departed is a remake, because nowhere in the opening credits would they find the words ‘Hong Kong’, ‘Infernal Affairs’, or even ‘Based on…’. When the American film industry did give credit, it was half-assed some of the time and flat-out wrong the rest. At the Golden Globes, Cameron Diaz referred to Infernal Affairs as “Internal Affairs” – hmmm, that was a generic movie starring Richard Gere back in the ’90s, when he still had a career. Then a few weeks later, when The Departed won the main prize at the Oscars, the announcers proclaimed Infernal Affairs was a Japanese film. How does an event of such magnitude make such a mistake? Hey, guys, the distance between Hong Kong and Tokyo is 2,890 km, or 1,806 miles! The Gweilos probably just assumed since Japanese cars, gadgets and electronics dominate markets all over the world, Japanese movies must dominate the Asian film market too - shameless! |
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Ronald Cheng
Exactly how, and why, is Ronald Cheng a ‘leading man’ in Hong Kong cinema? With looks that can be best described as average, and a one-trick comedy routine, his success is proof that the HK film industry is indeed in a sad state. It’s all Stephen Chow’s fault. In the ’90s, Chow was hands down the biggest draw in Hong Kong. No one could outdo him, not Chow Yun Fat, not Jackie Chan, not Jet Li, not even Andy “I’m everywhere in Hong Kong” Lau. Local audiences just eats up slapstick comedies and that’s what Stephen Chow did best. But ever since Stephen Chow reached iconic status towards the end of the millennium – and decided he would no longer work with any director other than himself – comedy films have been on a downward spiral. Chow now only puts out one film about every three years, so, desperate for a laugh, local audiences will put with any so-called ‘comedy’. Even Dragon Loaded, the Zoolander ripoff Super Model, and Mr. 3 Minutes. OK, OK, Ronald Chen’s acting is funny, but only when it is unintended – which ain’t a good thing. Then again, at least he’s making us laugh. |
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Gillian Chung
No, this really isn’t about Ah Gil’s ‘believable performance’ as a lawyer (a lawyer!) in 49 Days, her only film of 2006. This award is in recognition of her performance after the infamous ‘hidden’ camera incident back in August – which just happened to coincide with her latest album release. But even more ironical is that on the album cover she wears less than she did in that blurry hidden camera picture. Without sounding too insensitive and cynical, let’s just say the whole ‘incident’ proved at least one of the Twins could act! |
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Daniel Wu
Daniel Wu can do no wrong at all. He has given a decent performance in every one of his movies, has a stable relationship with his long-term girlfriend, does all the family bits like cooking and taking the kids out for fun, and he leads a more ‘healthy’ lifestyle than other celebrities (one of his favourite pastimes is travelling to Africa and living primitive for a month). He is often described as ‘humble, hard-working and easy-going’ by people who have worked with him. He is one of the few artists in Hong Kong that even the paparazzi cannot find fault with. We guess he was drowned by so much love and got so tired of being perfect, he just had to piss the press off by making The Heavenly Kings, a mockumentary of his band Alive, about which he lied to and made fools of reporters. The result? You’ve tried so hard Daniel, a Lifetime Achievement Durian is what you deserve. |
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Gordon Chan
Winner of Best Picture, Best Director and Best Screenplay in the Hong Kong Film Awards with fine pictures like Beast Cops, The First Option and the Fight Back to School series, why would Gordon Chan appear in the Durians. But we have to face the truth. He made Undercover Hidden Dragon (with co-director Dante Lam) and Mr. 3 Minutes in 2006 alone, both unendurable even at 16X fast forward. We don’t know what has happened to Chan, but we loved his earlier work so much we had to find a scapegoat – a-ha, Ronald Cheng. |
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Hacken Lee and Alan Tam
Hacken Lee and Alan Tam are the new Twins, only slightly over-aged. They have accomplished almost everything the Twins have over the past six years: released an album, sold out concerts, appeared in a TV commercial and finally last year collaborated in a film. And like most of the Twins movies, their We Are Family is dysfunctional. There is probably only one Twins imitation they have yet to perfect – one dressing up in drag, and the two posing as lovers. Will the real Twins please step forward. |
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Dragon Tiger Gate
The biggest turkey of the summer was without doubt this shambles of a vanity project from martial arts guru Donnie Yen, an accolade due in no small part to the highly offensive barnets sported by the three leading men. Normally so easy on the eye, Nicholas Tse, Shawn Yue and Donnie Yen wore shaggy mullets so ridiculous one wonders how they were able to see where they were going, let alone perform any of the film’s admittedly impressive fighting stunts. But perhaps, and fortunately, their sight-impairing fringes saved them from reading all DGT’s shocking reviews. |
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My Kung Fu Sweetheart
There was a time people genuinely looked forward to a new Wong Jing movie, but in recent years the highly prolific director has proved that quantity rarely equals quality. Cecilia Cheung’s last film before entering semi-retirement is a woeful parody of some of Hong Kong’s finest martial arts flicks. As Cheung plays an office girl whose parents are secretly crime-fighting kung fu masters, Wong continues as benefactor of aging thesps Yuen Wah and Yuen Qiu, who rehash their Kung Fu Hustle roles for the umpteenth time. Everyone would be better off had Wong spent the money on hot water bottles and congee and let the two Yuens rest in peace. |
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Jackie Chan breastfeeding
Rob B Hood was destined for a Durian right from the start: not only does the film feature Durian regulars Charlene Choi and Daniel Wu, but Jackie Chan’s physical decline is boundlessly evident in the less than gasp-inducing action set pieces but some gasp-inducing (as in “Is this really a JC movie?”) CGI. But perhaps nothing is worse than the comedic attempt of a baby sucking on Jackie Chan’s nipples – with close-ups of the offending mammaries. But we have to admit seeing Yuen Biao and Jackie Chan team up again brings back some good old memories… you know, of Jackie Chan as action hero, not porn star. |
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The Cast and Crew of Confession of Pain
The local media continues to berate Hollywood for not giving accurate credit to Andrew Lau and Alan Mak for Infernal Affairs-inspired multiple Oscar winner The Departed (which is especially amusing considering even Secretary of Commerce, Industry and Technology Joseph Wong got the movie’s name wrong at the Asian Film Awards). And in light of their most recent effort, Confession Of Pain, it’s easy to see why Lau and Mak don’t want their finest work forgotten. From Pain’s ludicrously obvious and self-important script, to Takeshi Kaneshiro’s indecipherable Cantonese and Tony Leung’s worst performance in recent memory, everybody involved in this project should be hanging their heads in a confession of shame. |
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Excessive Product Placement
May Andy Lau and his spirit live long in the Hong Kong film industry. Lau is a Hong Kong icon (or at least he stands for what we all want to be) – hard working, humble and good-looking. And when he became spokesman for Tao Ti Green Tea in 2000, he injected his spirit so far into the infamous drink from Taiwan he has been inseparable from green tea ever since. We’ve seen him (and the rest of the cast) drinking the stuff from time to time in Fat Choy Spirit, Wait Till You’re Older and Protégé. The whole thing crescendo-ed when, in the low-budget Luxury Fantasy, a bottle from which Andy had drunk – with spit still attached! – was auctioned in the film. It makes even our nose hairs cringe! |
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Gong Li’s Wardrobe Design
Nothing is quite like a heart-warming tale of reunited families or people conquering disabilities against the odds to bring a little optimism back into our lives. But 2006’s most uplifting movie sights were Gong Li’s breasts in Zhang Yimou’s epic Curse Of The Golden Flower. Thanks to suffocating bodices that would have made the slightest of waifs gasp for breath, Gong Li’s cleavage literally defied gravity, giving the impression she had two short bald men sharing her costume. However, the move is sure to pay off, and is guaranteed to raise more than just her profile in the international film world. |
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Bai Ling
http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2767135
Ahhh Bai Ling. Infamous for dressing like a hooker, frequently having “accidental” wardrobe malfunctions, and her “acting”, no doubt the pride of Chinese people everywhere *rolls eyes*. Her “performance” on the VH1 show But Can They Sing? featured singing so bad and an outfit so ridiculous, they invited her back! But then again, judging by her normal wardrobe, maybe it wasn’t ridiculous at all. |
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Suzuki Hitoshi
The criterion for the Being Daniel Wu award is that if Mr Heavenly King isn’t available for a movie, the candidate will do. Suzuki Hitoshi has replaced Daniel Wu in Love Undercover 3, playing the cute, sweet and can’t-really-speak-Cantonese character but the two also have similarities off camera: both started out as models, like dating models (who can blame them?), and are hard working (the local press reported both studied Cantonese very hard for their roles). And, really, they even look like each other. |
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