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Louis Koo
Louis Koo’s attempt at portraying a shifty smack addict was hands down the least convincing piece of acting to grace Hong Kong’s screens in 2007. His performance, which consisted of a fake set of rotting teeth and looking all crazy-eyed, was almost as embarrassing for us to watch as it must have been for his co-stars. Add to this the fact that heroin addicts tend to be emaciated and pale, whereas Louis’s bronzed and toned body suggested Mr Koo is addicted to nothing more dangerous than a tanning bed, and you get our Worst Actor Durian winner by a country mile. |
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Gillian Chung
Technically not a film role, but Gillian Chung’s press conference apology for her part in the Edison Chen sex photos scandal was more tepid and insincere than anything we have seen from her or anyone else on screen. As predictions resonated from every rooftop in the city that the supposedly more modest half of Twins had single-handedly brought civilization crashing to its knees for – horror of horrors – having sex, Gillian’s management company EEG eventually stuck her out in front of the media in the hope of clearing the air slightly. However, instead of coming clean, going for the sympathy vote and confessing to being more than a little foolish, Gillian made only a fleeting reference to the incident before insisting she had now “grown up”. Way to silence those critics, girl! |
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Protégé
What better way to ring in a brand new year than by getting the family together and taking in a movie? However, instead of the usual bevy of Wong Jing mahjong comedies, Hong Kong’s finest decided Chinese New Year was the perfect time to release Protégé, Derek Yee’s dark, brooding, death-ridden morality play on the Asian heroin trade. Gong hei ‘smack’ choi everyone! |
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Lust, Caution
Lust, Caution…two-and-a-half hours of predictable and not especially exciting wartime romance, drama, espionage and intrigue that ran in local cinemas for longer than any other film in years. But, as everyone should be aware, it wasn’t for its depiction of occupied Shanghai and Hong Kong that legions of Mainland Chinese tourists flocked to see it, but rather for the revelatory scenes of Tony Leung Chiu Wai bumping uglies with newcomer Tang Wei. And as if to prove to his audience just how ballsy the role was, Ang Lee gave us a full on close-up of Tony’s berries, hanging in the breeze for all to see. Tony, we get it – you’re a dedicated actor! Now put your pants back on. |
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The Cast & Crew of Blood Brothers
Produced by film doyens John Woo and Terence Chang. Costume design by Academy Award-winner Tim Yip. Action choreography by the legendary Philip Kwok (whose very first action choreography credit was for John Woo’s mentor Chang Cheh’s Ten Tigers of Kwantung close to three decades ago). Starring Young Turks of the cinemas of Hong Kong (Daniel Wu), Mainland China (Liu Ye) and Taiwan (Chang Chen, Tony Yang, and Shu Qi (aka Hsu Chi)). No matter. The ambitious Blood Brothers came with the added hype of being John Woo’s first Asian film in years but turned out to be badly directed (by first time helmer Alexi Tan), acted and so much more. Boasting an estimated $47 million budget, this poser would also be a prime candidate for the Massive Waste of Money Durian (if there were such a thing). Still, we are wagering that film fans will weep more at the thought that so much talent, young and old, went into producing such a bloated turkey of a movie. Which is why, on their behalf, we are awarding the Biggest Waste of Major Talent Durian collectively to the cast and crew of the movie the programmers of the 2007 Venice Film Festival inexplicably chose as that prestigious fest’s closing film! |
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Lady Iron Chef
As Homer Simpson put it, why waste money paying to see something you can watch on TV for free? This Wong Jing ‘comedy’ is basically a cobbled together rip-off of the best bits of hit TV show Beautiful Cooking, seasoned with numerous nods to Stephen Chow’s classic God of Cookery. Cantopop star Hacken Lee proves once again that he should really stick to singing as he plays the rich boy with two young beauties fighting over his hand in marriage. Due to plot convolutions far too ridiculous to mention here, the girls go head-to-head in a cook off, with the winner heading down the aisle with Hacken. It’s a half-baked excuse for a movie that is hard to stomach and leaves a rather unpleasant aftertaste. Best save your money and order in some take-away instead. |
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Simon Yam (Eye in the Sky)
In Eye in the Sky, the Milkyway Image surveillance thriller that struggles to be The French Connection in Hong Kong, Simon Yam takes on the Gene Hackman role as the shlubby, overweight detective training young Kate Tsui in the art of tailing suspects. However, to make his normally chiselled self seem somewhat down-at-heel, Yam apparently gained 20lbs for the role. But the jowls so produced obviously weren’t enough to satisfy fledgling director Yau Nai Hoi, and Yam was given a costume that looked as though he simply stuffed a pillow down his sweater. |
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Invisible Target
Back in 1985, Jackie Chan directed and starred in Police Story, an action movie which featured so much glass and its breaking that some of the people working on the film, including the stunt folks, took to calling it Glass Story. And maybe their Jackie Chan connections are to blame for it all: Invisible Target’s director, Benny Chan, worked with Jackie on New Police Story (2004) and Rob-B-Hood (2006), one of the movie’s lead actors (Nicholas Tse) appeared in both those movies and another of Invisible Target’s stars is none other than Jackie’s son, Jaycee Chan. Maybe! What is pretty clear, though, is that Invisible Target features the most glass breaking since Police Story set the standard all those years ago. Hence our decision to award it the durian for the Most Gleeful Destruction of Public Property. |
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Andy On
If Daniel Wu isn’t available for a movie (increasingly the case, as Mr Heavenly King makes his way steadily up into the ranks of Hong Kong’s A-list), who are you gonna call? The answer may well be another Asian-American hunk; this one admittedly with even less of a command of Cantonese than dear Daniel but who is actually far more convincing in action roles. Early on in his career, Andy On – who made his film debut back in 2002 with Black Mask 2: City of Masks – looked like he was being groomed to take over the Jet Li mantle. But with a role in Mad Detective that called upon him to look handsome and act, not just fight, he is showing signs that he can extend his range by being Daniel Wu rather than just Jet Li (and all those other action figures Hong Kong cinema sadly doesn’t have sufficient prime parts for anymore). |
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Eason Chan
Message to Eason Chan: you may be a Cantopop megastar but perhaps your movies would do better box-office business if you got yourself as good a hairstylist and make-up artist in real life as the character of your co-star Miriam Yeung turned out to be in Hooked On You. And while it could be argued that Eason’s bad hair was in keeping with his Hooked On You role, what excuse could he possibly have for repeating it in Brothers, a movie in which his character is not only the younger sibling of the well-coifed Miu Kiu Wai but he and his distractingly unbecoming hairdo appears in the same frame, never mind picture, as Mr Every-Lock-Slickly-In-Place Cantopop Sky King Andy Lau? |
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Gillian Chung, Cecilia Cheung, Bobo Chan and Co.
We’d like to share this award amongst Gillian Chung, Cecilia Cheung, Bobo Chan and all the other young starlets who found themselves more than a little exposed after Edison’s lobotomy-induced decision to take his girly pink laptop, brimming with home-made porn, in for repairs. Were it not a horrific enough experience to have actually been in the snap-happy embrace of Mr Chen, to then have to relive those moments through the rampaging and merciless eyes of the Hong Kong media circus is a fate fit for no young woman, especially not one marketed as a role model to pre-teens everywhere. Do we care that these actresses ‘make sexy time’ when not promoting Disneyland or skincare products? Not really. Is this scandal truly going to crumble the foundations of society? If it is, they’d better not see what is on my laptop! No, we just feel sorry for these young ladies who, as they peer through the net curtains at the marauding packs of paparazzi waiting outside, were too plain stupid to not have seen this coming. If you let somebody take photos of you naked, then photos of you naked will exist, and will quite possibly be seen by others. If you are happy with this, fine; if not, then don’t let lover boy take them in the first place. But either way, gals – two words of advice: bikini line! |
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Wonder Women
We got to wondering many questions after watching Wonder Women. Among them, and topping the list, had to be how much Osim paid for all that product placement in the movie (which also has lingering shots on a certain brand of canned tea and co-star Fiona Sit being punished with disapproving stares for wearing fake Christian Dior gear)? Part of us hopes it was a hell of a lot. Otherwise, those those duped into paying good money to watch what was marketed as a pro-female film along with serious commemorative Handover movie will surely feel massively short-changed by what turned out to be an unashamedly brazen extended commercial for the makers of massage products. |
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